I’m sure you all fondly remember our neo-pagan heroes Arthur Pendragon et al. standing up for their pre-Christian, post-living brethren. Well, thanks to the always juicy Daily Mail, we can now take a look at the men/drunken sots behind the self-delusion.

First of all, “Arthur Pendragon” is the short version. His actual name — legally changed in 1976 — is King Arthur Uther Pendragon. He’s a former Hell’s Angel and current barfly. Oh, and of course, the Battle Chieftain of the Council of British Druid Orders.

In his capacity as Battle Chieftain, King Arthur Uther Pendragon has accomplished many feats of strength.

‘I work out the political tactics for the druids. My order is the political arm. We’re the guys in white frocks, up the trees. We’re the ones trying to stop the Newbury by-pass.’

Hasn’t that been open for a few years?

‘Whatever — we’re at the sharp end. We’re the political arm of the whole spiritual movement.’

Unfortunately, not everyone is on board with Battle Chieftain King Arthur Uther Pendragon’s vision of the Druidic future. There are heretics, splitters, blasphemers who dare question his approach.

The ‘row’ concerns a small breakaway group of druids (known to some as COBDO West) who’ve requested the museum release the remains so they can rebury them where they came from. King Arthur and mainstream COBDO want the same thing — but are upset that COBDO West have taken matters into their own hands. ‘COBDO West are just a joke — three men and a dog, without even the dog,’ splutters King Arthur. ‘I’ve got thousands of members in my Arthurian War Band all round the world and loads more in the UK. I could field hundreds of activists at the drop of a hat. Bunch of idiots.’

Yes, how dare those men and their missing dog bother to actually fill out the paperwork to petition English Heritage for reburial of the Avebury skeletons. Don’t they know Battle Chieftain King Arthur Uther Pendragon could summon an army of RenFaire drunks with the merest whisper in the wind?